Tuesday, 29 May 2007

I'm Jeff

A few weeks ago I was about to go and watch some stand-up and happened to find myself in town a couple of hours early.

I decided to go to an Internet Cafe and paid £2 for 1 whole hour of www. fun.

Here's what happened.

I paid my £2, I went to the upstairs bit and noticed it was quite quiet, but still a few people milling around. I logged on in a quiet corner and just as everything was uploading I felt someone stood behind me.

I went cold and just knew this wasn't good.

The 'old' man hovered behind me and then sat down next to me. There were hundreds of computers and he chose the seat next to me.

I knew this wasn't a good sign - and guess what? I was right.

Without looking at me he said 'I've got a bad back.'

'Ok.' I said politely, when all I really wanted to say was 'get lost you creepy man.'

He typed on his computer and without looking at me said, 'I'm Jeff.'

I didn't reply.

'I've got a bad stomach.' he then announced. Hm, as chat-up lines go Jeff, it's pretty poor.

I continued to not reply or even look at this strange man.

Then all of a sudden Jeff placed his hand on my knee.

I shot back in my chair - 'I'm logging off.' Was all I could manage to say.

"I'm sorry for scaring you - I just find you attractive.'

'I'm logging off.' I yelled again.

'Look at me - look at me.' He said.

I grabbed my things, not before shouting, 'YOU DIRTY OLD MAN!'

You'd think Jeff would hide his face in shame - but no. His parting words as I ran out of the Internet Cafe, 'I hope you find happiness...'

Hope I find happiness?? Maybe you should have left me alone and not completely wasted £2 of my money whilst scaring the living daylights out of me you dirty pathetic man...

Deep Breath... I'm ok now. It's all off my chest.

Watch out for Jeffetts whilst you're out and about... people warn you of these people on the Internet, but not actually in the Internet cafe!!

Sit Down You're Rockin' The Bus...

I've been getting the bus to and from work lately. I could drive but hate - hate rush-hour traffic and it's quite nice to switch off for a bit and read my book.

One thing has started to fascinate me about the bus - apart from the woman with so much make-up on she looks orange, and the guy who is fast asleep - so far in to the land of nod we all have to listen to him snore...

What fascinates me more are peoples attitudes to having to sit next to a total stranger.

We've all done it - as soon as a passenger gets on and starts heading in our direction we suck in breath and get the evil eyes at the ready.

Everyone has their own technique of avoiding the dreaded seat share - bag on the seat and staring out of the window - ring any bells?

A friend of mine admitted the other week that she huffs really loudly and makes the 'stranger' feel really bad about sitting down!!!

Another friend of mine admitted to placing her METRO paper on the seat and pretending she doesn't own it!!!

Well now I've started to feel guilty if I have to sit down next to someone - it's terrible. I've started to sit facing the isle - giving my seat share 'friend' more space. Why? Well she/he was there before me...

So it's either share your seat, stand up or as my friend suggested to my other huffty friend - ask the bus driver for two tickets, one for you and one for your spare seat - well why shouldn't our handbags travel in style?

Enjoy your journey - you paid for it...

Eurovision Song 'CONTEST' my arse!

** RE-POSTED from my myspace blog **

I'm never one to discuss politics, but...After watching the ENTIRE Eurovision Song Contest last night - I was adamant that we were by far the best entry.Who couldn't love the aeroplane dancing and the offer of having something to suck on sir... I LOVED IT! Anyway, as always it's clear this contest is never about the song. Now, I bloody love a good power ballad - but the winning song was awful - so bad, I didn't even remember it. And second place went to a cross between Elton John and Sue Pollard!
Anyway, taking a deep breath - I do realise it's all just a bit of silly fun - and fun I did have. Thanks to my friend Jo for putting on such a fab Eurovision party - it was top!X
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